Having a crush is so boring

 It's such a surface level emotion, one that I am never confident can blossom into an actual, genuine love for one another. Having a crush is such a mild form of infatuation that is so fleeting and temporary, a feeling that can take no rooting to become anything of significance. It doesn't run deep; it's simply a liking of a shallow idea of a person, an idea that is probably imaginary and not based in reality, but rather whatever you might be wanting out of a person in that moment. 

As someone who will dance until the balls of her feet are raw and bleeding just to feel something, you can imagine that I don't really deal with this feeling of "crushes" very often. Not to say I've never had a crush on anyone; honestly, that's why I'm writing this post right now. But this is a relatively unfamiliar feeling to me simply because it has always bored me, and I've never seen the value in spending time to indulge in feeling of "having a crush." Why would I spend my time trying to peel down someones layers, slowly and one by one, when I can already tell that things just won't work out the way that I would want them to? Why would I spend my time, slowly and strategically opening up to someone, when I know they might not be that relevant in six months time? Why would I go through these romantic steps if I don't see it lasting, or being that significant of a part of my life? 

Then I wonder, maybe that's what my problem is. Maybe I want everything to be super intense because I have this insatiable desire for a lot of stimulation, and maybe it is unfair for me to expect normal, stable, healthy people to be able to fulfill that need. But then I wonder, am I settling or compromising a part of me if I am telling myself that I am the problem for wanting what I want? 

The last relationship I was in where I felt completely consumed by love ended two years ago. I don't care to get into the details of it right now, and there are a lot of bittersweet feelings surrounding the entire situation, but for now I will admit that that is the level of passion I like to cultivate in a romantic relationship. The conversation is effortless, the laughs aren't novel and they never stop, there's a natural magnetic force bringing us together physically. The type of love where they could ask you to move mountains, and it felt like you were just moving a chair to the other side of a room because you would do anything for them. And with this person, I immediately knew we would cultivate that kind of love the moment we started speaking to one another, face to face. I instantly knew that this person would be a significant love in my life, and they were. Not because I forced them to be, but because I just knew our minds and bodies would morph together in a way that would render us inseparable. When I wasn't with him, it truly felt like a part of my heart was missing, and I knew my day could always be better if he was by my side when he wasn't. It was the kind of connection that some people may never be able to experience in their lifetime, one that felt so natural and impossible to break apart. It was the kind of connection that consumed us, and brought out the widest range of emotions I have ever felt in my entire short adult life.

And that isn't the first and only time I've felt like that. Whenever I've dated someone for long term, it has always been built off of this feeling of "as long as we have each other, we can get through whatever stupid shit is going on in this world," and I've always been able to detect that feeling during the first few words I exchange with people who have played this role in my life. Having a "crush" doesn't even shine a candle to this feeling of love and attachment I am so accustomed to, and it certainly doesn't excite me or stimulate me in the same way. Someone can be cute, and I can appreciate that about them, but it's not the kind of thing keeps me thinking about them. Someone can be very nice, and have a stable life going for them, but it's not the thing that makes me want to call then back and see them again. I can appreciate the little things about someone that make them a respectable person, but that doesn't make me want to build something with them, or try to cultivate something. What love is there to foster if I can already predict how we will end up fitting into one another's lives? If I can easily and accurately predict exactly how things will end, when they inevitably will?

I think I like embarking on relationship journeys where I can't predict the ending. 

And that's what is a little different with this crush that I have right now. Let's call him Ben. 

I first saw Ben online in summer of 2021, due to mutual friends and accounts that we were following. I had started following him while I was dating someone else, but I wasn't really trying to bark up his tree or anything like that. I eventually was single single, and we had started talking more during the month of November 2021. We've hung out a few times; smoked weed, gotten food, gone to the movie theatre, wholesome activities of that nature. We both live with our parents, so going to each other's houses has never bee an option, which I love and hate. He hasn't kissed me, never really tried to make a move, and so obviously we haven't had sex. I appreciate having someone get to know me for me, and not just use me for sex, but I also like the feeling of being wanted, even if it's just the little things like hand holding or a kiss. So clearly, things are moving pretty slow, and I do like that since I am completely terrified of getting close to someone. 

He's got my attention, for sure. I'm pretty sure he has a crush on me. He makes me laugh, he has a kind heart, he is a hard worker, extremely friendly guy that anyone would want to be friends with, but not a pushover in any way. He is polite and gentlemanly, but not a hyper masculine asshole. He's tall, he's got great taste in music, and he always keeps a positive attitude and outlook on life. He seems introspective and thoughtful, with deep layers to him that probably have a story to tell. 

The question is, how well does this meld with who I am, and where I am at in my life? I feel so broken in a number of ways, my outlook on life is pretty cynical and dark, and I have just recently found a sliver of a will to maybe live a life and have a future. The amount of baggage I carry around with me constantly is breaking my back, and I almost always am ready to burst into tears if the wind hits my face in a certain way and reminds me of whatever trauma I experienced in the cold weather. I have my super dark, heavy thoughts, but I never care to share those with people as I get to know them. There's so much dark shit on my mind that it's sometimes all I can talk about, or so many things trigger me of very bad memories, and the trauma that is stored in my body feels like it takes over in every more I make, almost like an arthritis of the joints. 

How could this crush possibly blossom into something worth while and long lasting? 

Why does it feel like that expectation is always projected onto me? Well, tbh, this expectation is always projected onto me. 

Part of me tells me that I'm just overthinking things, and not allowing myself to enjoy something simple and innocent. But then there's a part of me that says it's a waste of time to be going out of my way to enjoy things that I have to convince myself to enjoy, not because I hate the activities or the person I'm sharing my time with, but because I'm not used to such little stimulation compared to what I've naturally been drawn to my entire life. I get bored so easily; doing mundane sweet things makes my brain feel like it's tripping on itself because it's not going fast enough, the way a bike doesn't stand upright if you're not pedaling it forward fast enough. This is when shit starts to get really confusing for me: is it them or is it me or is it both? And how can I distinguish the difference? 

That's what I mean when I say I feel so broken: I genuinely cannot figure out nor trust what I want for myself anymore. If I'm going to spend time with someone, I want them to make me feel alive, but that desire has led me straight into the mud so many times. But then again, when I have dated someone who didn't make me feel very alive (the gay white man), I still was left face down in the mud, eating shit. So maybe it's not wrong for me to seek that feeling, and maybe it takes a special kind of person to be able to make me feel that way. Not to say Ben isn't special; I do think he is special in his own unique way, but I don't really see how it melds with me, or at least not yet. I wouldn't say I'm actively searching for it in him, but I just wish there was that spark that I know I need in order for something to be worthwhile and not awkward for me, a spark to keep me interested and not straining myself to make something out of it. Maybe we just don't mesh as well as I would like for us to, maybe it takes time. I flip flop back and forth between liking him more and wondering what the fuck I'm even hoping for out of all of this. Maybe there's nothing to hope for, and we're just vibing. I don't know, things just feel so gray, and I'm scared for him to be in a position where he wants things to be more black and white, and I'll just end up wasting his time. 

I hate the uncertainty of grayness, but I am even more terrified of the sureness of things that are black and white. I want to know what his intentions are with spending time with me, but I don't want those intentions to be tied to anything that involves any kind of commitment whatsoever. I miss when getting to know someone new didn't feel so terrifying, when I didn't need to feel so guarded and calculative. I don't trust anyone's intentions with me, no matter how pure they come off, but I also don't want anyone to expect anything from me that is major. I want to feel free getting to know someone; not like I have to perform in some way/shape/form. And I can never tell if I feel like performing in front of new people because they subconsciously make me feel that way, or because that's just how I am now in front of new people, and I can't help it. I like to think that maybe there's people out there that I feel like I can organically get to know, and they can organically get to know me, but that seems genuinely outlandish at this point in my life. I want to stop feeling so scared by new people and having someone get to know me, but every time I try to conquer the fear, I become more confused and unsure of who I am, what I'm doing, and what anyone new would want to do with me.