Where do I start?

 Great question. 

A question I ask myself in my head every single time I meet someone new, and the conversation starts to get personal. Is it due to restricted socialization since COVID? Or is it due to the super packed hiking backpack of trauma I am constantly carrying around? TMI? Too dramatic? Exactly. Which begs the question...

Where the fuck do I start? 

I guess I can introduce myself. I'd like to keep this anonymous, so I will be changing names and locations as necessary. Y'all can call me Billie, like the eyelash. I am a 24 year old mixed brown girl who was born and raised in Southern California, which is where I currently reside. I went to school up north, and discovered I fucking hate the cold and I never want to live somewhere that doesn't have sunshine 360/365 days of the year ever again. I've been a serial relationship haver since I was 14 years old (which is fucking insane, now that I think about it), up until this year. 

2021 started off pretty shitty: I was pretty depressed due to quitting my job right when the pandemic started getting bad before the holidays, and being in an extremely unfulfilling relationship with a white man who I am almost positive is gay. I was only with this dude because I wasn't trying to live with my parents when the pandemic started, and it turned pretty sour; I guess that's what happens when you're both just using each other for stupid shit. We broke up a few days before Valentine's Day, and that's when I started doing some serious reflecting on my dating habits up until that point in time. Why do I leave relationships feeling so unfulfilled and disappointed? Why do I have to metaphorically set everything into fucking flames when I know it's time for them to be over? How do I end up in these types of situations that make me want to literally set everything into flames when it's time for them to be over? And why does it feel like it keeps happening over and over and over and over and over again? 

Asking these questions requires you to stare at yourself in a mirror, and look vehemently into the depths of your soul to unmask all the shitty insecurities and traumas that have led you up to that point. So much fucking fun, right?! I have always practiced self reflection, and have done enough psychedelics to have learned that all of the shit you hate about the world is merely a reflection of what you hate about yourself, but embarking on this journey of trying to figure out why the fuck this shitty dating shit keeps happening has probably been the most painful, uncomfortable, anxiety inducing journey I have taken myself on (and believe me, I am a master of placing myself in uncomfortable situations). It's very difficult to ask yourself, "How the fuck did I get here?" and have an honest answer, one with accountability and gentleness for the self and awareness of the environment in which I was in and the context of my life at that point in time. It's extremely difficult to process all of these feelings and memories in the not so comforting place of my childhood home, a place full of memories which have also contributed to how I end up in these fucked up situations. It's extremely difficult to strip myself of all my masks, completely alone, and get to the nitty gritty of this stupid shit, all by myself a majority of the time. 

I've spent a lot of time alone this year. Thinking, contemplating, holding back tears, crying, reminiscing., remembering. Remembering so many moments throughout the last few years of my life that have left me feeling so hurt and traumatized. I've had to come to terms with this person I have become after all of the stupid shit that has happened; I've had to come to understand a person that I wasn't entirely aware existed. I've spent a majority of this year placing myself underneath a microscope, zooming in to analyze and observe parts of myself that I have been too afraid to acknowledge were even there. Let me tell you, it's been a pretty fucked up experience, but it unfortunately has to happen if I want to find myself in better relationships. I have to do all of this terrifying, agonizing work on myself in order to prevent myself from ending up in another relationship where I feel like I might be killed, or where I might kill myself. I'm so sick and tired of being tortured by the hollow love of men I've chosen to be with, but it is on me to understand how I end up in certain situations. If I can at least understand how I contribute to the dynamics that leave me feeling completely empty, then maybe I can prevent it from happening again to the extent that it has in the past. 

So I guess that's where I start, in context of this blog: by anonymously telling the Internet what I have been up to the last 10 months. 

But of course, like I said, I am a serial relationship person. And while I haven't been cognitively capable of seriously dating someone this year (go me!), I have had my fair share of dating experiences and revelations, and they have been pretty fun. I try to have some take away from every interesting situation I put myself in, whether it is positive or negative. This blog will be about these said dating experiences because I really have learned so much about myself through them. I've learned a lot about myself as I've interacted with new people, but the difference is, I have kept myself as the priority. I'm not looking to date to keep someone around, or provide someone with consistency I can't even provide myself; I'm dating because it genuinely is fun, and I am a fun loving person. I love getting to know someone; I love seeing how we interact with one another because I think it says so much about both of our characters, as individuals separate from one another. Dating is an experience of life, and I can't lie and say I don't like to indulge a little it now and then. 

That's the best part about me, in my opinion: I can always have a good time, no matter what the circumstance is. And my dating experiences as of recently have been hilarious, and there's always something for me to learn at the end of every single one. I guess this blog will be my thoughts on these experiences; a place where I can let off some steam and share my thoughts on how these interactions affect me. Maybe someone will read this, and find something to relate to as well. I don't know. All I do know I need somewhere to share the stupid crazy shit I get myself into with men.