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Having a crush is so boring

 It's such a surface level emotion, one that I am never confident can blossom into an actual, genuine love for one another. Having a crush is such a mild form of infatuation that is so fleeting and temporary, a feeling that can take no rooting to become anything of significance. It doesn't run deep; it's simply a liking of a shallow idea of a person, an idea that is probably imaginary and not based in reality, but rather whatever you might be wanting out of a person in that moment.  As someone who will dance until the balls of her feet are raw and bleeding just to feel something, you can imagine that I don't really deal with this feeling of "crushes" very often. Not to say I've never had a crush on anyone; honestly, that's why I'm writing this post right now. But this is a relatively unfamiliar feeling to me simply because it has always bored me, and I've never seen the value in spending time to indulge in feeling of "having a crush."
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Where do I start?

 Great question.  A question I ask myself in my head every single time I meet someone new, and the conversation starts to get personal. Is it due to restricted socialization since COVID? Or is it due to the super packed hiking backpack of trauma I am constantly carrying around? TMI? Too dramatic? Exactly. Which begs the question... Where the fuck do I start?  I guess I can introduce myself. I'd like to keep this anonymous, so I will be changing names and locations as necessary. Y'all can call me Billie, like the eyelash. I am a 24 year old mixed brown girl who was born and raised in Southern California, which is where I currently reside. I went to school up north, and discovered I fucking hate the cold and I never want to live somewhere that doesn't have sunshine 360/365 days of the year ever again. I've been a serial relationship haver since I was 14 years old (which is fucking insane, now that I think about it), up until this year.  2021 started off pretty shitty: I w
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